Life is Harder
by She's Obviously a Vampire
Summary: You name it, it's all hard. This story begins with a death in the family, forcing everyone to feel the harsh reality of their lives. . . Maybe there's still some hope left inside the hopeless. Multiple pairings. All human. Rated M.
1. Death is Easy

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

A/N: This idea just came to me one day, so I'm going to try put it into words. It is rated M for mature themes. Reviews are very much appreciated.

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_Death is peaceful—easy. __Life is harder.  
_- Twilight

**Isabella Swan**

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening.

I am not sitting here at my big sister's funeral.

I am not holding her daughter's head to my chest while she sits on my lap quietly.

I am not looking across the room at Emmett hunched over in my father's usual sofa chair.

I am not here.

This isn't happening.

But. . .

It is.

Kate is gone, Lillie is in my care, and Emmett is broken.

I am broken.

Mom is broken.

Dad is broken.

We're all broken.

I looked up and saw Jasper approaching, offering the saddest small smile to try and comfort me. I hung my head again, pressing my lips to Lillie's soft blonde hair. I closed my eyes as the smell of Kate filled my senses. Lavender and something sweet like candy.

Not Kate. Lillie. Emmett and Kate's three year old daughter. The spitting image of both her parents. There was so much of Kate in the little girl. But enough of him to be able to tell she was Emmett's too.

Jasper wrapped an arm around my shoulders, his other hand coming onto Lillie's back to comfort her with his gentle touch. I leaned into him slightly and fought not to cry as my head settled on his shoulder.

Lillie was so scared and confused. She'd been put into my arms the minute I arrived two days ago and all she asked for was her mommy. I didn't know how to answer her. She'd finally stopped asking after the service this morning and only once asked for her daddy.

But Emmett ignored everyone, most of all Lillie.

So I kept her with me and she clung to me the entire time.

"How's she doing?" Jasper asked quietly.

"I don't know how to explain to her. I don't know if it's my place." I told him, moving my head back off his shoulder to look at him.

Lillie wasn't listening to me, sort of in her own world as she played with the bangle around my wrist.

Jasper sighed lightly before leaning over and kissing my temple. I closed my eyes and felt him squeeze me closer to him for a second.

"Lillie, darling, you want to go outside with uncle Jazz and auntie Bella for a bit? I'll push you on the swing," Jasper offered.

She turned to him and pouted, not answering.

Jasper and I stood without her answer. He was better at this than me, he'd know what to do. I held her on my hip and Jasper kept his hand on my shoulder as we exited my father's home, full of people dressed in black. Most of whom I didn't know or just couldn't care to remember.

The sun was out for a change. It had been raining since I arrived, which didn't surprise me in the least. It was an odd occurrence when there was sunshine like this. I suddenly felt a little angry, feeling it was the wrong time for it.

We walked around back silently, coming to the little play set Dad had set up out here for Lillie. Emmett and Kate lived a block down and I knew Dad was their regular babysitter from having heard Kate say it a couple of times when we caught up on the phone or through email.

God, I missed her. My chest ached and I wanted to scream, trying my hardest not to let any of my desperate cries out. I didn't need to scare Lillie anymore than she was already.

I placed Lillie on the swing carefully, watching Jasper kneel before her as I stood beside him. He brushed her hair from her face, kissing her forehead. Jasper was always the most comforting one. He helped me so much when. . .

I couldn't even think about that right now, knowing Edward was just inside the house. With one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen, no less.

"Listen to me, darling, don't be too sad okay? Your mama loves you so much, even if she's not here to tell you that, you still know that. In here." He placed his large hand over her chest and she looked down at it. "You can always feel her in here. You can always talk to her in your head, and even though she won't answer, she'll still be listening. And maybe if you listen extra hard, you'll _feel_ what she's saying. Feel that you are her everything."

Tears flowed down my cheeks as I watched the two of them.

"Right, auntie Bella?"

I kneeled down beside him and nodded, grateful he'd said those things because I didn't know how to say them to her.

"Yes. He's right, sweetie, she'll always be here, just differently. I'm sorry it's confusing right now, but. . ."

Her big blue eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip trembled as she began crying, reaching her arms out to me. I guess my crying didn't help, but I couldn't hold it back anymore.

I took her into my arms, standing back up and holding onto her as we both cried. Jasper wrapped his arms around the two of us and began hushing us.

I didn't want to go through this. I didn't know how.


	2. Try to Listen

_I tried to listen like Jasper had told Lillie to do, but I heard and felt nothing, knowing I wasn't good enough for Kate to love anymore. I hadn't been in a long time.  
_- Bella

**Isabella Swan**

Almost everyone was gone. Mom and Phil returned to the hotel they were staying at, Carlisle and Esme went home, and Emmett had caused a big scene when Jasper and Dad asked him to stay here. He'd upset Lillie with the yelling so I took her up to mine and Kate's old room to lay her down.

I was beside her on my old bed, rubbing her back as she drifted off quickly, obviously completely exhausted.

I thought about sleeping, but knew I'd have nightmares, so I just stayed here, rubbing her back like I had the last few nights and trying to keep my mind blank.

There was a soft knock on the door before it opened. When I turned towards it, I was shocked to see Edward standing there.

It had been a long time, but it still hurt. It always would.

"Hey," he whispered.

I chewed on my lip as I got off the bed, careful not to wake Lillie. I stood a few feet away from him and crossed my arms over around my waist, as if almost hugging myself.

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you earlier. I just took Rosalie home,"

I wasn't sure why he was telling me about where his girlfriend was. I really didn't care. And I also didn't care that he hadn't talked to me since I had arrived. But I nodded anyway to let him know I heard him.

"I'm really fucking sorry. . . this just. . . shouldn't have happened. Not to Kate."

I felt the familiar sting to my eyes as he spoke the words.

"You think I don't know that?" Did he think I didn't wish every second that it was me who was taken from my father and not Kate?

She was the better daughter. The one that did everything right. She stayed with him when Mom left him for Phil, a man almost ten years younger than her. And I fucking ran. I ran away because of the asshole standing in front of me now.

I ran and left Kate to deal with Dad's broken heart. Even though she begged me to stay, told me it would become better as time went by.

But she was wrong. It never got better. It always hurt. But I couldn't just blame Edward. It was my fault too.

"I didn't mean anything by it, Bella," he sighed, running his hand through his hair.

I nodded and looked down, sniffing before I asked about Emmett, "You find Em?"

"Ah. . ." his face shadowed over and he shook his head, "Jasper and I are going out to look for him now. Jasper convinced your father to get some sleep so the house will be empty as soon as I'm gone. Jasper's out in his truck right now. Do you need anything before we leave?"

I shook my head no, relieved that the two of them were going to find Emmett. I was so worried about him right now that I felt like I was going to be sick. There was nothing in my system to be sick with, thankfully.

"Tell Jasper to text me when you find him?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure."

"Thanks,"

He nodded this time, running his hand up through his hair as he'd been doing since as far back as I could remember.

"I'm sorry again, Bella. . . If you need anything. . ."

"Yeah," I whispered, knowing he was just being nice.

He looked to his feet sadly, lingering before leaving the room again.

I let a few sobs escape, being as quiet as possible as I looked back at Lillie. She was still asleep.

So I fell to the floor, covering my mouth with my hands and curling in on myself as I cried for my big sister. Needing her like I needed air. I needed her to tell me what to do. Tell me she didn't hate me for being a horrible person. Tell me she loved me.

I tried to listen like Jasper had told Lillie to do, but I heard and felt nothing, knowing I wasn't good enough for Kate to love anymore. I hadn't been in a long time.


	3. After All This Time

_He was still in love with her, after all this time.  
_- Jasper

**Jasper Cullen**

I shook Phil's hand as he and Renee left to go back to their hotel. Mom and Dad followed, Mom giving me a long hug and Dad a short one. Mom walked ahead of him to their car.

"Don't worry. I'll call you when we find him. Just take care of Mom," I told him. Emmett had caused a big scene earlier when we asked him to stay here tonight, then ran off.

Dad nodded and thanked me, following Mom and helped her into the car. She loved Kate so much, found a daughter in her and was extremely upset over her death.

We all were. My sister-in-law was amazing. She made my brother happy and gave me the cutest little niece ever. What was there not to love about her?

I swallowed hard to keep the pain away. My throat hurt from keeping the tears that wanted to escape in. It all hurt. Seeing my big brother broken. Seeing Bella and Lillie crying. Seeing how this affected Chief Swan. His daughter was taken from him, and I was afraid that after all he'd been through, that he wouldn't be able to get through this too.

"Chief?" I asked as I walked into the kitchen.

He was standing by the sink, staring out into the dark outside.

"Jasper." He responded, finally pulling his eyes away and glancing at me.

"You should get some sleep. Edward and I will take care of Emmett tonight."

"You don't know where he went. You need my help." He responded quickly, as if snapping out of it.

I shook my head. He'd been helping us find Emmett the last few night as well. I let him, figuring he needed to keep busy so his mind wouldn't wonder to his loss.

"Please, get some sleep. Help Bella with Lillie tomorrow. I know she hasn't been sleeping, and I think Lillie needs her Pop right now. And, of course Bella needs you too. She's hurting and no ones there to comfort her." I tried but there was only so much I could do.

He couldn't argue when I brought his granddaughter into it. But I was surprised when he didn't even try. He just nodded, wishing me a goodnight and excusing himself.

I walked through the house again, making sure everything was okay. The place was empty so they'd be in peace for the rest of the night. I went back out to the door and just stood there, staring into the dark street.

I saw Edward's silver Volvo pull into the spot Dad's car had been in. I was still standing at the front door, doing I have no idea what. Waiting for Edward I guess. He was just taking Rosalie home.

He got out and came over to me. I frowned, wondering what he was doing and why we weren't just leaving to go get Emmett.

"Hey bro," he said coming up the porch steps.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He ran his hand through his hair—something he picked up from Dad a long time ago—and sighed. "I wanted to speak to Bella."

I realized just now that I hadn't seen him approach her once. I saw him with Emmett and with Mom, but not so much Renee or Charlie, just of course his deepest sympathies. He wasn't their favorite person after the whole thing that happened between himself and Bella when they were seventeen, and I didn't blame them. But they were civilized with each other at least.

"She's in her old room with Lillie," I knew he knew where that was all too well, although I'm pretty sure back then he climbed in through the window and didn't use the stairs often.

"Chief Swan's gone to bed. I told him not to come, he's exhausted after today." We all were.

"Good," Edward said, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"Yeah, so I'll wait in my tuck. I'm driving."

Edward nodded again and headed straight to the stairs. It must have frozen over in hell because my little brother never agreed on someone else driving without some kind of fight.

I pulled my keys out of my pocket and got into my truck. I grabbed my cell from the dashboard and checked for messages, smiling slightly when I saw one from Alice.

**Hey, Jazz. How's Emmett holding up? Please call me whenever or if ever you need. I would have called you but figured you were busy. Seriously, whatever time. I'll be up. Ali.**

I missed her so much that I couldn't breathe. She moved away to New York City eight years ago for college and now worked there. I'd never hold it against her that she followed her dream while mine laid here. But she really was perfect for me. No other girl compared, and not for a lack of trying on my part either.

Let's just say, college was. . . a handful.

Edward came out shortly after. I saw him messing with the door, ensuring it locked after him before he came over and into the truck.

"You finally talked to her, huh?" I asked, turning the truck on.

Edward didn't respond, off in his own world again. I sighed, knowing he was still in love with her, after all this time. He didn't need to say it for me to know it. I saw the way he changed after he and Bella went through that decision, after she left because she couldn't face the pain. I didn't blame her. I think I'd leave too.

He went on with his life after she left, and although the few girlfriends he had were nice, including Rosalie, I could tell that the spark he should have had for them was missing. That spark he had when he and Bella were happy, for a short time. He'd loved her since we were kids and he'd always looked at her that way.

"It go okay?" I went on to asked, wondering what had him so deep in though.

"Just fucking drive and find Emmett!" he snapped.

I shook my head, backing out of the Swan driveway.

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Please review, it would mean a lot to know how I'm doing.


	4. Be Creative

_Drain his fucking blood from his temples. I don't fucking know. I'd be creative.  
_- Emmett

**Emmett Cullen**

I titled my head back, downing whatever the fuck was in this glass bottle. I felt it burn my mouth and throat, inviting the discomfort.

Hopefully I'd get alcohol poisoning and those two asshole who claim to be my brothers wouldn't find me. Then I could die and be with her again.

I felt an uncontrollable sob make its way up my throat and quickly sat up, spilling the alcohol.

"Fuck!" I screamed.

I kicked the thing and it went flying across my backyard.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I rubbed my face roughly, not knowing what to do. I wanted to rip fucking everything apart, blame the world for not being fair.

How could she be taken from here? Her? Why not me? I was nothing. She would never do what I was doing now, even if I did leave her.

"Em!" I heard Jasper's voice.

I wasn't sure how close he was, but I turned around and threw a punch anyway, getting him right in the jaw.

I stood back as my vision cleared in the darkened night. I noticed now that Edward was on the ground and Jasper was behind him, quickly coming over to help Edward up.

"What the fuck!" Edward yelled.

I could see the fire in his eyes, his unstable temper flaring up as he came towards me.

"Hey!" Jasper held him back.

How the fuck did they find me here? The last few nights I went out and they still found me. I figured coming back here, back home, would keep me away from them. I guess they figured me out when they couldn't find me anywhere else.

"Let him go, Jasper. The little shit needs someone to kick his ass good. I've been wanting to do it for a long time. Come on you piece of shit!" I yelled at Edward.

I wanted to kill someone. I needed to kill someone. If that stupid prick that killed my Katie was alive right now I'd be cutting him up slowly to make the pain last. Drain his fucking blood from his temples. I don't fucking know. I'd be creative.

But shortly after running her off the road, he too went right along with her. Or so they told me. There was nobody else on the road and by the time someone found them, both in their own cars, it was too late.

Why didn't I go looking for her when I knew she was supposed to be home at nine and still wasn't by ten? Why did I even let her go on that stupid job interview in Seattle? We were fine here in Forks. Her father was here, and I thought she didn't want to leave him.

So why?

I charged towards Edward and Jasper, punching Edward again as soon Jasper had let him go.

I felt a blow to my stomach, the alcohol in my system holding it off better than I bet Edward's pretty face was doing from my punches.

I got a few good ones in before he pinned me to the ground, going for it at my face too until Jasper finally got him off me.

I lay there, letting the blood pool in my mouth from my newly split lip before coughing it out to the side and into the grass.

"What the hell are you doing, Edward?" Jasper asked, pushing him back again.

I laughed, but it sounded bitter, just the way I fucking felt. "Thinking he can outdo his big brother. You're shit! No matter what fucking school you went to or what you do now, you hate yourself and it shows little bro. It fucking shows. You're nothing." I spat.

Edward strangely calmed down some, running his hand through his hair and telling Jasper it was okay.

I wished he'd punch me again.

"Em, come on bro, I'll help you inside. Edward, stay here." Jasper said.

"No, he can fucking take it, right? He's all fucking knowing!" I had no idea what I was saying, but I didn't even care. Nothing made sense anymore.

"You fucking hit me first, fucker!" Edward yelled.

"You deserved it."

He growled and turned, walking towards the backyard fence door. "Take him the fuck inside before I fucking kill him!" he told Jasper.

If only he knew that's just what I wanted.


	5. Only Bella

_Only Bella.  
_- Edward

**Edward Cullen**

Fucking shithead! My left eyebrow needed goddamn sticks. I had to wake Dad up for fuck sakes. I didn't feel like waiting all night at the hospital.

After Jasper and I found Emmett at his home, I went back to Jasper's truck and saw his cellphone sitting on the dashboard where he usually threw it when he drove.

I quickly grabbed it, even though I knew he'd be awhile inside with Emmett with the fight he was putting up. He was making it hard on us. The last few nights we'd both been up with Chief Swan looking for him. He was drunk off his ass every time, tonight no different. Jasper and I had been out driving around for over two hours before we finally found him in his fucking backyard, probably thinking we wouldn't look for him there.

I found Bella's number and copied it into my own phone, quickly tossing Jasper's phone back where it was before.

I pressed my head back into the seat and licked my lip, tasting blood and feeling it sting. My whole fucking face stung thanks to my big brother.

I'd never seen him like this. He was always happy and acting like a goofball. But I guess losing your wife and the love of your life did crazy things to you. I sort of understood. I lost Bella. Differently, but I still lost her.

I screwed up so fucking bad with her. I'd loved her since as far back as I can remember. I finally made a fucking move when I was sixteen and we soon became a couple. Things were fucking perfect. She liked me, really liked me. Our relationship moved fast physically, being friends so long that we already knew all there was to know about each other.

Not even a year into the relationship. . . shit happened.

_Understatement of the century._

She was never the same again. Sad and mad all the time. She told me she couldn't look at me anymore because it hurt so bad. She moved away with her mother only months later.

I was heartbroken, lost without the love of my life. The girl I'd wanted my whole life. I got her for a short time and then lost her. She fucking disappeared, only coming back twice. To Emmett and Kate's wedding and when Lillie was born. She refused to talk to me both times, besides for a hello and goodbye.

I still fucking loved her. I wanted to drop to her feet and beg for forgiveness because I'd been such a stupid kid all those years ago. Tell her she was the only girl who ever made me feel like this life mattered.

I knew I shouldn't continue this shit with Rosalie much longer, not if I saw Bella even one more time. It wasn't fair on her.

But I knew myself, I'd stay with Rosalie, because Bella would never take me back. And Rosalie was a nice girl. She was twenty-one, four years younger than me, in college and lost her virginity to me last year. It was hard to find nice normal girls anymore, and I was really fucking trying with her. She was beautiful, goddamn smart, sassy and sweet.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

Bella Swan. I looked at her name in my contacts list. She was.

She owned my fucking heart, ever since we were god knows how young.

I quickly wrote her a text, saying Emmett was fine and Jasper was inside with him now. It was strange, but I didn't want Jasper messaging her to give her the news. I wanted to do it, even though she asked for Jasper to.

Of course, knowing Jasper he'd probably do it himself anyway without me even telling him.

Jasper finally returned and I didn't tell him about taking the number. He drove me to my car in front of the Swan house and I went right to Dad and Mom's. I wondered why I hadn't just taken the short walk up, but I guess my head wasn't right after my brother took out his pain on it.

Dad stitched me up and I was now back at my place, pacing around my kitchen at five fucking a.m. because I couldn't turn my mind off to get any sleep.

Kate was gone. My big brother's girl taken from him way to soon. My little niece left without a mother.

I sighed, realizing this world was nothing but one heart break after another.

All it had to offer was the vodka in my freezer.

I went to it, grabbing the whole bottle and sitting my ass down in the middle of the couch.

I drank the morning away, falling asleep somewhere toward late morning.

I woke up again, unsure of the hour as Rosalie wrapped a blanket around me. My head and face where throbbing.

I looked at her, not saying anything. She gave me a sad smile, "You want me to get you any food, baby?" she asked me.

I shook my head, "Just want you to stay."

"Of course," she leaned in and kissed me.

I knew it was wrong, so fucking wrong, but in that moment, I thought of Bella, remembered the feeling kissing her invoked in me. It was like every cell in my body came to life, sparking up and beaming with joy.

I no longer ever felt that, not when Rosalie or anyone else kissed me. Only Bella.


End file.
